Tag Archives: parenting

Dance Moms, Attachment Parenting & Chuck E. Cheese

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The girls making kites

There are some interesting child rearing stories in the news this week.  On the one hand, we’ve got Abby Lee Miller of Dance Moms parading her charges out on stage in leotards that make them look naked for a showgirl number.  The sort of flip side to this is Mayim Bialik’s book, Beyond the Sling, that’s just out on Attachment Parenting.  From what I’ve read and heard about the book, Bialik’s philosophy is kind of an extreme sports version of attachment parenting.  And my friend Zoe sent me a clip on a news bit about parents forgetting their kids and leaving them at Chuck E. Cheese.

But now it’s time to indulge in a little outrage.  Do you think it was Abby Lee Miller’s idea to have her girls dress up like showgirls and use big pink feathers in the dance number?  Or was it Lifetime’s idea to take a group of 7 – 11 year old girls and dress them up for a pedophile’s delight?  And I’d love to talk to the girls’ mothers.  Is there anything we need to say beyond, “What the f*%# were you thinking?”  So while Amalia and I used to indulge in the Dance Moms trainwreck, we have erased it from our DVR queue and will no longer participate as voyeurs.  I hope others will follow suit.  Draw the line where you will.  Having little girls dress to look naked and prance around doing hip thrusts for national TV is just way too much for me.

I’m not really sure what you call the Dance Moms parenting phenomenon– maybe irresponsible? misguided? In any case, it’s more like going Beyond the Bling than the attachment parenting Mayim Bialik talks about.  Early in her book, Beyond the Sling, she states, “You already know the majority of what you need to know to be an incredible parent.”  This is a premise I can get behind.  As a parent coach, I worked with parents to help them see this, even when they really didn’t believe it. (Okay, I might need to take exception to the Dance Moms…)

Bialik advocates co-sleeping with your kids.  I shared a bed with my kids off and on until they were two.  I was sorry I didn’t have a better plan for nighttime because I spent a lot of time sleep deprived and frustrated.  It’s not that I didn’t want to sleep with them, I’m not really sure what I wanted.  I just felt helpless in the face of their night waking.  So use a crib, co-sleep, mix it up, but I’d say evaluate your options and make a decision, try not to succumb to the moment just because you’re exhausted.

When I look at Bialik’s philosophy (or at least my limited understanding of it), I did a lot of the things she recommends, but not for as long, not as intensely.  I mentioned recently that Scott’s been going through old photos.  One of the themes with my girls from early childhood was their scruffiness.  They were always ready to go, ready to climb, run, swing, play, hang from trees, make mud pies, pick flowers and turn the petals into potions.  And they look happy. This was the right way for me to parent.  I can’t remember lots of the little details, but one hallmark of my early parenting was having messy, smiling kids with dirty feet.  I look back on that with a certain pride.

I wish I could convince new mothers that while you will go through a lot of hand-wringing and question yourself mercilessly, things turn out pretty much okay.  Even if you leave your kid at Chuck E. Cheese, all is not lost.  My friend Zoe and I have relied on each other since Day One of motherhood.  We figure that together we make up one whole competent mother.  When the kids were babies, if she had diapers, I had wipes.  I’d bring Cheerios and she’d have apple juice.  Somehow the balance was always perfect.  I like to think that if my distracted, perpetually exhausted state during early motherhood had resulted in me leaving my child behind at the birthday party capital, Zoe would have scooped her up and slipped her quietly into the house.  (And then called me from her cell to laugh and crow just a little…)

Parenting isn’t easy.  I try really hard not to give in to my natural propensity to judge other people.  Every time I think I’ve got something figured out, I’ve got really good friends like Zoe to set me straight and remind me of the time we lost her son at the aquarium or I locked Izzy and the keys in the car.  I’m trying really hard to weave these three news stories together.  I guess the common thread is parenting.  Just keep trying your best.  Ask for help when you need it.  And laugh as often as possible.

Twitt

Why I Should Be Napping

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unmade bed for nappingIt occurred to me the other night as I bumbled wearily around my kitchen at 11:30pm doing dishes that my kids really don’t care how hard I work.  I mean, they just don’t think very much of my ambition to be a successful, published writer.  It’s just something I kind of try to do.  A delectable after school snack that I prepare and serve matters more than the fact that I’m pumping out content on my site and interviewing filmmakers, politicians and other really cool people.  So the fact that I’ve been working like a damn mule–writing, transcribing, editing and promoting my work– doesn’t get me much sympathy.  Izzy just wants to know when I’m going grocery shopping again and she’ll get her real mother back.

Part of me wants to scream that she’s ungrateful and after all these years of nurturing, catering, driving, listening, hugging, talking and serving this is just one week where I took on too much and she should be rubbing my feet instead of asking, “Where’s dinner?”  She’s almost 16.  Make some pasta, girl, and no, I don’t want cheese on mine.

I made jokes instead to buy myself some time and figure out if I should feel guilty.  I decided against.  Maybe I’m just too *^$%&@* tired to feel guilty.  But here’s the second realization–her complaints that I’m not available means that she still expects me to show up, needs me to show up–even at almost 16.  God, I am such a sap.

But it’s Friday.  My articles are done.  I can sleep in tomorrow.  So I’m willing to let my emotions swing a little today because I’m sleep deprived to the point where I can feel my nerve endings spasm every time there’s a loud noise (loud like the snoring of the dog laying at my feet).  I haven’t really experienced this since I had little babies.  The emotional clatter that goes with the bags under the eyes is just fabulous.

I know my daughters are proud of what I’ve accomplished.  Probably it’ll mean more to them when they’re older.  Ambition isn’t very high up on the list of what kids want in their moms.  From their perspective, I think it’s probably okay just as long as it doesn’t take away from what they need.  So while I should be grabbing a nap before school pick up, I decided instead to indulge in this post.  Swimming through the love my daughter has expressed with her persistent requests for her favorite sandwich–toasted cheese with tomatoes and pickles.

Twitt

Can we legislate good parenting?

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In Friday’s New York Times, Lisa Belkin wrote a column focusing on legislation  introduced in three states that would penalize parents when a child is struggling with certain issues in school.  One question that Belkin asks is “Can you legislate good parenting?”

There were lots of comments that followed this piece.  Some detailed first-hand accounts of good teachers dealing with bad parents.  Some were just the opposite.  No one really seems to know the answer.  Yes, there are some ineffective, burnt out teachers in our schools.  There are also some ineffective, burnt out parents.

One example that Belkin sites is of a third grader who is chronically late and missing homework.  I’ve seen kids dashing through the parking lot, shoes untied, hair unbrushed trying to make it to class on time day after day.  The same families seem to struggle with this continually.  So what’s going on?  The child is clearly losing out by starting the day rushing and behind.  This is stressful.  Was there time for breakfast?

In workshops I’ve led, I’ve consulted with faculty and administration on what they need and expect from parents.  I’ve encouraged both parents and faculty to build a connection so that what happens at school is reinforced at home and vice versa.  In my training as a parent educator, we were encouraged to help parents think of teachers and administrators as part of the team working for their child’s success, not as adversaries.  I’ve been a stay at home mother working actively in the school community and I’ve been a full-time working parent trying desperately to stay in the loop with my kids’ schoolwork and teachers.  My girls have both had teachers who truly appreciated them for who they are as students and individuals.  Conversely, there have been teachers who don’t respond to notes, emails or phone calls.

I can’t imagine being a single mother, working full time, juggling the needs and schedules of more than one child, bearing financial responsibility and everything else that comes with this job.  Belkin’s article points to poverty as one cause of the problem.  I don’t want to penalize these parents.  I want to help.

It’s easy to counter with stories of parents who simply don’t respond to the school or teacher.  There will always be some parents like this for reasons I can’t fathom.  But what about the parent who never gets enough sleep and is overwhelmed?  What is the story behind the parent of the third grader Belkin mentions in her article?  Why are they repeatedly late to school?  Let’s look at what’s happening at home where homework doesn’t get done.  I’m not looking for excuses, I’m trying to understand the reasons why.

There are so many challenges we all face.  Stressful working conditions, unemployment, high cost of living–just to name a few.  Creating or reinforcing an adversarial relationship between schools and parents isn’t the answer.  Consider the diversity of economic, family lifestyle and geographic situations we have in this country.  Think about how wide that range is just in LA county.  Just at your own school.  There’s no one size fits all answer.  Having worked with parents and within the school system, this problem fascinates me and frustrates me.  There are parents I’ve just wanted to shake and tell to get their act together.  Maybe I shouldn’t admit that.

When I was in middle school, my mother worked in the local elementary school.  I remember her giving food, winter coats and old pairs of glasses to kids who needed them.  She got to work one-on-one with kids who needed that kind of attention.  And then she came home and made sure the three of us waded through our homework and had everything we needed.  Sometimes she knew the story of these kids’ home lives, but not always.  I know she got frustrated and a lot of what she saw saddened her.  But what made a difference for the kids was her active demonstration of caring.  I know I sound like a bleeding heart here, but ultimately, we’re trying to help kids.  If we need to find ways to support the parents, then that’s one road we take.

Let’s look at families that seem to have it together, whose children are succeeding in school, how do they do it?  What works and are there strategies that can be applied to families that struggle?  Where do we have this conversation?

 

 

Twitt