What Anxiety Means to Me

ANXIETY!

Can I confess to having a heaping share of anxiety lately? It comes and goes like LA traffic. Sometimes you’re cruising right along on the 405 and then suddenly, often for no fathomable reason, the cars all back up on each other and tension seems to rise palpably. Other times, you know traffic’s going to be a snarl and you just take a deep breath, grit your teeth and merge anyway. Seeing my credit card bills come due is like merging onto the 10 at rush hour. The anxiety hits, you know you can’t really avoid it and you just keep going.

So anxiety is both certain and unpredictable. I know it’s hanging around because of big life events going on. I’m not generally an anxious person. Worry, sure (I’m a mother). Obsessive, on occasion. And sometimes I can be a little perfectionistic. The anxiety is specific to this time and won’t last forever. In the meantime, I try to breathe, call girlfriends and my mom and listen to guided mindfulness meditations from an app called Headspace. The 10 minute bits on Headspace are led by Andy Puddicombe, one of the company’s founders. I feel a little bad for what I’m about to say since Andy is a fully ordained Tibetan Buddhist monk, but here goes.  Andy’s hot and he’s got a great voice.  Love the English accent. Let’s just say that I’m mindful of why I chose Headspace over other sites. But the meditations do help. I’m reminded of techniques I learned years ago that just sort of fell away.

I’m freelancing and it’s going pretty well.  New opportunities are turning up all the time, but this is still unfamiliar for me. Working full time, being single, co-parenting and having the financial responsibility in this way are all new to me. I get scared. I feel strong. I want to feel sorry for myself sometimes. I get angry, sad, hurt, happy. I feel terribly competent and then terribly anxious.

Anxiety = Fear. Fear is primal which means you can’t reason with it. You just have to recognize the bastard and keep going anyway. It also helps to listen to Patti Smith really loud in the car with the windows open when you’re on the freeway with traffic good or bad.  Singing helps because it forces you to breathe regularly. The right song will let you enter someone else’s heartache and leave yours behind for about three minutes. I like Patti Smith for these moments because she may have been afraid to get up and sing, but you’d never know by the raw growl and power of her voice. She’s bad ass. Since it’s looking like I won’t be a rock star, I’ll shoot for bad ass.

How do you handle anxiety? I’d love to hear your ideas, experiences and tips.  Please share!

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Poetry & Parenting: A Story

A Story by Li-Young LeeTell me a story. How many times have you heard that from your children?  And maybe you’re feeling put on the spot and maybe you freeze a little trying to think of one.  Here’s a version of that scenario. Li-Young Lee takes us deeper into that experience.

A Story
by Li-Young Lee

Sad is the man who is asked for a story
and can’t come up with one.

His five-year-old son waits in his lap.
Not the same story, Baba. A new one.
The man rubs his chin, scratches his ear.

In a room full of books in a world
of stories, he can recall
not one, and soon, he thinks, the boy
will give up on his father.

Already the man lives far ahead, he sees
the day this boy will go. Don’t go!
Hear the alligator story! The angel story once more!
You love the spider story. You laugh at the spider.
Let me tell it!

But the boy is packing his shirts,
he is looking for his keys. Are you a god,
the man screams, that I sit mute before you?
Am I a god that I should never disappoint?

But the boy is here. Please, Baba, a story?
It is an emotional rather than logical equation,
an earthly rather than heavenly one,
which posits that a boy’s supplications
and a father’s love add up to silence.

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Poetry & Parenting: The Pomegranate

The Pomegranate by Eavan BolandWhen I was in third grade, I was a bit of a smarty pants and finished the year-long reading program before Thanksgiving.  I am forever grateful to my teacher, Mrs. Milnes, for sitting me down in front of the classroom bookshelf and introducing me to Greek mythology.  She let me devour those stories while the other poor beasts slaved away over workbooks.  As I remember it, one of the higher ups eventually caught wind of this arrangement and I was forced back into the workbook tedium.  But that brief, free time influenced me profoundly. Mythology crops up often in my poetry. I still read and study those stories.

Eavan Boland is an Irish poet who splits her time between Stanford and Dublin. Her gorgeous retelling of the Ceres – Persephone myth is a favorite of mine. One question for after you read the poem: Where do you enter this legend?

The Pomegranate

by Eavan Boland

The only legend I have ever loved is
the story of a daughter lost in hell.
And found and rescued there.
Love and blackmail are the gist of it.
Ceres and Persephone the names.
And the best thing about the legend is
I can enter it anywhere.  And have.
As a child in exile in
a city of fogs and strange consonants,
I read it first and at first I was
an exiled child in the crackling dusk of
the underworld, the stars blighted.  Later
I walked out in a summer twilight
searching for my daughter at bed-time.
When she came running I was ready
to make any bargain to keep her.
I carried her back past whitebeams
and wasps and honey-scented buddleias.
But I was Ceres then and I knew
winter was in store for every leaf
on every tree on that road.
Was inescapable for each one we passed.
And for me.
                    It is winter
and the stars are hidden.
I climb the stairs and stand where I can see
my child asleep beside her teen magazines,
her can of Coke, her plate of uncut fruit.
The pomegranate!  How did I forget it?
She could have come home and been safe
and ended the story and all
our heart-broken searching but she reached
out a hand and plucked a pomegranate.
She put out her hand and pulled down
the French sound for apple and 
the noise of stone and the proof
that even in the place of death,
at the heart of legend, in the midst
of rocks full of unshed tears
ready to be diamonds by the time
the story was told, a child can be
hungry.  I could warn her.  There is still a chance.
The rain is cold.  The road is flint-coloured.
The suburb has cars and cable television.
The veiled stars are above ground.
It is another world.  But what else
can a mother give her daughter but such
beautiful rifts in time?
If I defer the grief I will diminish the gift.
The legend will be hers as well as mine.  
She will enter it.  As I have.
She will wake up.  She will hold
the papery flushed skin in her hand.
And to her lips.  I will say nothing.

- See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15385#sthash.idfpPd8K.dpuf

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